THE SHADOW SIDE OF SEXUALITY
*This post discusses sex and may be triggering for some. If this is a sensitive issue, please disregard or read it with caution
SEX & SELF-ABANDONMENT…
For years, these two words went hand in hand for me. The thing is, my partners had NO IDEA. It was a piece of me that I kept hidden. I felt ashamed.
I felt something was wrong with me…that I was wired wrong.
But the even more twisted part is that I pretended everything was GREAT.
I played the part of a satisfied, enthusiastic lover.
I AM NOT PROUD OF THIS.
I would dread going to bed at night or dread the occasion when sex or foreplay would be inevitable, and it caused significant problems in my marriage. At the same time, it ignited even bigger problems within myself and my relationship with my sexuality.
Generally, self-abandonment comes with avoiding, denying, lying, and “cheating” in some form (meaning, we can cheat ourselves out of a much better experience).
So, I am going to share some of the ways I have seen both personally as well as collectively how women self-abandon in sex.
As I have shared before…
I grew up in a very open household with a mom who talked with me about sex from a very young age. I was taught to be comfortable with my body with my sexuality and that sex was natural and meant to be enjoyed. So, it was interesting that I differed so much from this forward-thinking view internally. What I have come to realize is that while mentally, this is what I knew and honestly believed, physically, I carried deep wounds of codependency, abandonment issues, some emotional abuse, and extreme people-pleasing.
My attachment style was both anxious and avoidant.
I would do whatever it was to please the other person physically or emotionally, to get validation, and to feel I was needed; I would then pretend I enjoyed it. Everything was okay, but I would become resentful that the other person didn’t see that I wasn’t being entirely authentic, and then I would pull away as punishment.
Pretty messed up, yes. However, this was all I knew.
While I knew this couldn’t be normal or healthy, it wasn’t something I had the wherewithal to change. Sex, to me, wasn’t love; it wasn’t about emotional connection with another person. It was a way to feel better about myself, a way to show I was good enough, I was worthy, and a way to get validation.
And in my marriage, it was a way to give back...a means of exchange and duty as a wife.
Why do I share all this?
Because while I wish I were alone in this experience, I know I am not. Your story may differ, but I’m guessing certain parts resonate. For those of you who don’t have a “self-abandonment sex story” at all, that is a blessing. But for those that do, you have a space, support, and a way to change the experience.
So, let’s shine some light on the SHADOW side of sex.
We may be aware of a shadow but don’t necessarily look deeper into it. But if we talk about it, if we recognize it, if we name it, if we begin to see that we’re not the only ones, that there are so many other women out there who have or are experiencing similar feelings and situations, we create a different energy. Instead of hiding, being shame-filled, and avoiding energy, we bring in the light and experience understanding, support, communication, and connection.
what are some of the ways that women self-abandon in sex?
Some of the most common ways I have come to see, both with myself and the women I have worked with, are (but not limited to):
no relationship or a condemning relationship with one’s own body
not knowing or wanting to self-pleasure
feeling or believing sex is bad, or shameful
not dealing with or seeking help from a traumatic sexual experience or abuse
low self-worth or value, which shows up in one-sided sexual relations
not wanting to be touched or engage in sexual relations but doing so under some duress due to unresolved trauma
having an affair/s -which is a symptom of not listening to oneself, not connecting with what is going on with one’s feelings, needs, and emotions.
not believing in oneself or avoiding the current situation due to fear or shame
a break in communication both with one’s self as well as one’s partner
sex addiction, which shows up in various ways
unconscious risky promiscuity- again a symptom of desiring external validation and lack of self-worth
lack of communication with one’s partner, especially around sharing desires, needs, emotions
any discomfort- physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually around sex that isn’t being addressed or acknowledged
BUT HERE’S THE THING…
It doesn’t have to stay this way.
YOU are the one who can create a different experience for yourself. To heal your sexual trauma or discomfort or beliefs that may be outdated and no longer serving you. The first step is acknowledging what isn’t working within your sexuality and your sex life. Then, look at what the next step is in creating change.
There is help, guidance, wisdom, and support all around you. Reach out, talk to people you feel safe with, and read a book; the options are endless, but do something to help yourself. You get to build a fantastic relationship with your body, with your sexuality, with your sensuality, and with your sex life.
YOU ARE WORTH IT.
The journey out of self-abandonment can be confusing, disorienting, and hard to navigate.
But if you’re ready for a sneak peek into what a personalized journey of support, education, and life-changing tools could look like, especially for YOU, let’s connect with a FREE DISCOVERY CALL today!