SEXUALITY: WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?
*This post discusses sex and may be triggering for some. If this is a sensitive issue, please disregard or read it with caution
Do me a favor and free your mind a little bit... and let’s see where this goes.
Sex certainly doesn’t need to include love for another person- not in everyone’s eyes, anyway. And I am not here to debate that part of sex today. In fact, it’s actually a moot point in today’s conversation on sex.
The part I am interested in diving into today is love as it pertains to ourselves in sex. Now, it could be said that love as it pertains to yourself with sex does, in fact, mean you need to love the person you are having sex with- great. If you know this about yourself, you are headed in the right direction. But let’s go even deeper…
I HAVE SEVERAL QUESTIONS FOR YOU…
(and for the sake of these questions, I am referring to sex with another person, not yourself…we will get to that later- I promise).
1. Do you love sex?
2. If yes, what do you love about sex?
3. If no, what do you not like about sex?
4. What would you like to see different in your sex life?
5. How much responsibility do you take for your own pleasure (not pleasuring yourself) in your sex life?
Ok, these are pretty simple questions, which, for some of you, may have been easy to answer. For others, these questions may be uncomfortable or may be bringing up some issues.
But ladies, this is important.
Sex is a major part of life, of intimacy, and if you aren’t absolutely THRILLED with your sex life, it is worth discussing to open yourself up to the possibility that you can have a different reality. Sex is also a significant way that women step into self-abandonment, whether it is sex with ourselves or sex with others.
OK…HERE A FEW “NEXT-LEVEL” QUESTIONS FOR YOU…
1. What is your relationship with your sexuality…like, what does sexuality even mean to you?
2. What was taught about sexuality in your home? Were you taught it was natural and meant to be embraced? Or was sexuality seen as shameful or something that was meant to be hidden?
3. How did what you learned as a child about sexuality play into your beliefs around sex as you grew into an adult? How does it affect your sex life today?
4. How do you feel about your body? Do you see your beauty? How do you talk to yourself about your body?
5. What is your relationship to self-pleasuring? Do you know how to please yourself?
6. Are you able to communicate your needs and desires with another?
So many factors come into play when we begin reflecting on our relationship with sex.
As a woman who is almost 46 and in my midlife awakening, my relationship with sex was underwhelming as well as dysfunctional and definitely (until the last few years) could be classified as self-abandoning. So, I would never single anyone out, but they say what is personal is universal; I guess some of you may have a similar experience. Unfortunately, so many women are not taught – yes, taught- how important it is to have a relationship with sex. AND IT BEGINS WITH OURSELVES.
( I told you I would come back to self-pleasure ).
But really, that is just the tip of the iceberg. It is like any other area of our life. To have a healthy, passionate, good (or whatever it is you may be looking for) sexual relationship with another person, we HAVE to first develop with ourselves.
How we feel about ourselves, whether we feel we have worth, value, beauty, a strong sense of self, what we believe in spiritually, and how connected we are emotionally will all show up in our sex life. Because if we don’t have a strong inner connection with our soul and with the Divine, we will look externally for everything we feel is missing in us.
We look for others to validate our worth and our value
We will look to others to make us feel beautiful or sexy
We will give ourselves away to feel connection, intimacy, and cared for
Sex is one of the most devastating areas for self-abandonment.
The other part of this is that women are often not taught how to connect to their own sexuality. Again, whether it is from a religion, family, or culture, sexuality is often viewed as bad, off limits, something not to talk about, or something that needs to be hid and pretend it doesn’t exist.
So, I get being private to an extent. Still, unfortunately, I believe there is an enormous amount of women who are disconnected from their sexuality. I believe this is affecting every other area of their lives, as well as their partner’s lives, and the lives of their children.
How we see ourselves is often how we teach others to see us, and how we show our children how to see themselves.
Did your mother talk to you about sex?
About your body and all the beautiful pleasures it can bring- not just sexually, but through birth, breastfeeding, healing, etc.?
Or were you taught it was all gross and ugly and not something to talk about?
If you were to stand in front of a mirror naked...
What would you see?
Would your eyes go immediately to the parts of you that you love?
Or would they see what they wish was different?
What are the thoughts you think about your body?
What do you tell your body? “Uggg I am so fat, I wish this wasn’t so...,”
This all matters. What we say, how we feel, and the way we treat ourselves matters. Because it flows into everything.
If you dislike how you look, do you disconnect from your body?
Do you then disconnect from your sexual desire?
Do you then avoid learning what brings your body pleasure?
Do you then deny your body pleasure? Do you know how to bring yourself pleasure?
Because if so, I am betting there are other areas of your life you are denying yourself pleasure.
If someone is disconnected from their body, from their sexual needs, most likely they have cut themselves off from other emotions, from other pleasures in life.
I was blessed enough to do a “Pleasure Boot Camp” training by Mama Gena (more formally known as Regena Thomashauer).
It was life-changing, and I highly recommend her books if you are looking to connect deeper to your sexuality and your senses—your sensuality. While this may not be for everyone, for those who want to read a bit of a wilder view on sexuality, these may be right up your alley.
Ultimately, the question remains…
Where do you self-abandon when it comes to your sexuality?
And it begins with the relationship you have with your own body and your own pleasure.
Do you know what you like?
If not, why not explore? Read, learn. There is so much conscious, intelligent information out there.
Reach out to a professional if you have experienced sexual trauma and feel ready to begin a healing journey.
Get to know yourself and your body. Learn to love and honor this beautiful vessel you were given. Change your perspective on the parts of you that you would like to be different and take some action.
AND WHEN IT COMES TO A PARTNER…
Where do you need to share your truth?
Where do you keep quiet and just go through the motions rather than speaking up and taking the chance to create a different experience?
Where can you communicate more?
Where can you encourage more emotional intimacy with your partner if that is what you need?
This is a subject I have grown so passionate about, just a morsel of all I desire to write about. Midlife is an incredible time to deepen our relationships with our hearts, our souls, our bodies, and our sexuality.
We get to step deeper into this feminine energy in a beautiful, empowering way- a way where we are loving and knowing our bodies. It is a way to give to ourselves so we can create what we desire with another in an intimate, authentic way.
What a privilege.
The journey out of self-abandonment can be confusing, disorienting, and hard to navigate.
But if you’re ready for a sneak peek into what a personalized journey of support, education, and life-changing tools could look like, especially for YOU, let’s connect with a FREE DISCOVERY CALL today!