PUNITIVE vs RIGHTEOUS ANGER
“It is no wonder that it is hard for us to know, let alone admit, that we are angry. Why are angry women so threatening to others? If we are guilty, depressed, or self-doubting, we stay in our place. We do not take action against our own selves, and we’re unlikely to be agents of personal and social change. In contrast, angry women may change and challenge the lives of us all…”
— Harriet Lerner, ‘The Dance of Anger’ —
I used to pride myself on NOT being an angry person. I always liked to be seen as the nice and easy-to-get-along-with one. Whenever I heard that someone had a contrary view of me, I would take offense and spend hours thinking about the events that might have led them to see me in a negative light. I still remember the first time someone told me that I was disliked.
It was during my sophomore year of high school when a friend let me know that a large group of people did not like me. I was devastated, not because I cared for those people, but because I tried so hard to be seen as nice.
I grew up with a mother who had a temper.
In reaction to her behavior, I became determined to be nice and never show anger in public. The problem with this approach is that when we don't allow ourselves to feel and process our natural emotions, they come out in different ways. Since explosive anger was all I knew from my family, I would have outbursts myself and then feel intense shame about it. It took me many years to understand that anger is just an emotion, neither good nor bad.
This belief contradicted what I had been taught in evangelical circles...
...where anger was considered a SIN.
Thankfully, my coach and mentor, Debbie Holcomb, came into my life when I was married to a man with anger issues and filled with bitterness and resentment.
I found myself yelling at my children, which was the last thing I wanted. I was self-abandoning my own needs to meet the needs of others and trying too hard to suppress my anger, which led me to feel unsupported and alone.
I was suffering from depression and exhaustion and was trying so hard to ignore my anger and what it was trying to tell me.
The gold in all of this is that every feeling is a piece of information.
While it may not be necessary to be hyper-aware of every single feeling, the ones that keep showing up are definitely worth paying attention to. Every emotion shows us what we need, including anger.
Anger isn't bad; it's amazing! The problem lies in understanding the difference between punitive anger and righteous anger.
Commit the following words to memory...
"Righteous anger is aligned anger and not impulsive or toxic.”
Women are rarely taught the difference. Women are referred to as bitches regardless of whether their anger is punitive or righteous.
Many times, we don’t have the guidance growing up on how to channel our anger in a way that will do good or how we can communicate with others in a respectful but firm, non-negotiable way that gets our point across. We aren’t always shown how to draw a line in the sand and say, “Do not cross this.”
And if you are a woman who has these skills, GOD BLESS YOU. Teach them to your daughters, to her friends, and your friends. Embodying righteous anger is a necessary skill for change-makers.
Remember, righteous anger has love and a desire for the greater good behind it; it’s not about getting even.
When we ignore, avoid, or dismiss the part of us that is angry, we are ignoring, avoiding, and dismissing a part of ourselves.
And when we do that, we are self-abandoning.
We are causing dis-ease in our bodies because we are not listening to what our anger is trying to tell us.
Anger needs a safe space to be released in which it won’t cause hurt to anyone else. This can look like journaling and keeping your journal in a private place away from others.
Venting our anger can look like finding a place where you can scream and kick and release the pent-up energy your body is holding.
There are many healthy ways to get our anger out physically, but the other part of this is the “going within.” Your anger is coming up for a reason.
What is your anger about?
What is it showing you that you need to do?
Generally, with anger, there is an action that needs to take place for some kind of change to occur, even if it is just within yourself. But often, it is showing us our boundaries have been crossed, and we need to reinstate them.
I've been working on managing my anger, and it's been a challenging journey for me. I've learned to direct my anger in a positive way and still feel love for myself.
However, there are times when I feel like I could have handled my anger better, which makes me feel guilty.
On the other hand, I've also found inspiration from my mother, who channeled her anger into positive change as an activist and feminist. I've been reflecting on her energy and how it can be used to create positive change and set boundaries.
I'm learning to embrace my inner strength and not be afraid to say no or set boundaries.I've come to realize that it's okay if not everyone likes me, and I'm growing in my sense of self and faith.
And so, in closing, I want to ask you...
What is your relationship with anger?
Do you allow yourself to feel it, or do you try to push it away?
Do you find that your anger comes out in ways that hurt the people you care about?
I encourage you to pay attention to your emotions and how you express anger. Understanding and learning from our emotions can help us become more authentic versions of ourselves and love ourselves fully, including our anger.
Ready to discover more?