RELEASING BLAME
I am continuing to Step #2 in my “Releasing the Relationship” series.
This week is about the importance of releasing blame and embodying the truth of empowerment.
Before I began studying and learning the principles and concepts of Conscious Uncoupling, I had very little awareness of how I was showing up in my relationships- both with myself as well as with others.
Don’t get me wrong, I was raised to be polite, and care about other people’s feelings, to be a “good” person, and do the “right” things. But as far as how to actually BE in relationship with another- to show up authentically, to show up aware of my feelings, to know what it was I actually needed, to set boundaries and know my non-negotiables, to feel safe within myself to communicate and be honest…ummmm no. Definitely not.
And I had been doing emotional growth work for years!
But what I have come to see and understand is, that I wasn’t alone.
There are so many of us who weren’t taught to share who we authentically are, what we feel, or communicate what we need and want. These basic fundamental principles of a healthy relationship are missing for so many people.
Instead, we were taught to keep our needs quiet, for fear of making someone angry or sad, or any other emotion that would get us in trouble. We were meant to not really have needs or heaven forbid wants because we should be grateful for what we have and we don’t want to appear selfish.
For many there was either a spoken or unspoken suggestion that we make ourselves smaller, so we don’t draw attention, or appear “too much” in anyway- we wouldn’t want to make anyone else uncomfortable with our talents, or our opinions, or our voice.
This conditioning doesn’t just happen within our families.
We can learn this in school, in places of religion, in places of work. And the thing is, many of the people that we learn these ways of being from- have absolutely know idea what they are teaching.
I truly don’t believe it was taught in malice- I believe it was taught with an unconscious, unaware belief of protection, a way of getting by, of surviving in this world.
So, there is no blame or shame here, but there is the opportunity to shift our perspective.
What happens when we take on these beliefs and bring them into our relationships is that we don’t know how to identify what we feel, what we need and what we want.
We don’t know how to set boundaries, and we often times don’t know how to speak up for ourselves for fear we will be rejected or abandoned. So we hide- we hide our passions, our needs, our voices, ourselves. We (consciously or unconsciously) make the other person more important and self-abandon in various ways.
The problem -other than the obvious- comes when we start to become resentful of the other person. This will show up in one form or another. Whenever we compromise ourselves and self-abandon- you can be sure that resentment will come. And it will not be pretty. It will show up as toxic fights, or toxic silence, as an affair, as illness, as anxiety, as depression, as suicidal thoughts, as dissociation. Resentment has many faces, one of the most common- BLAME.
When we are in our emotions, deeply overwhelmed, hurt, sad, and angry, and everything in our lives seems to be going wrong, blame is often the first thing we will turn to. We will blame everyone else for our situation, for treating us badly, and for life being so unkind. We will believe that it is all happening to us, and we just have to sit back and suffer.
And where there is blame, shame is right behind. We will shame others for what they “have done to us”. We will shame ourselves-“for being so stupid”. We will teeter-totter between blame and shame and can fall into an extremely toxic cycle that can feel never-ending and will definitely make us bitter, crazy, and completely unpleasant to be around.
Wanna know the cure for this? You may not like the answer, but you know what is coming…
WE HAVE TO LOOK WITHIN OURSELVES AND SEE OUR PART
WE HAVE TO BECOME CURIOUS AND SEE HOW WE HAVE CO-CREATED THIS EXPERIENCE
WE HAVE TO BECOME WILLING TO PUT OUR PRIDE ASIDE AND GO DEEPER
WE HAVE TO LOOK AT WHAT IS MOTIVATING US TO ACT LIKE WE DON’T MATTER LIKE WE AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH OR WORTHY ENOUGH
We have to learn how to shift our mindset and see that when we were young, we took on a belief that wasn’t true in order to survive a situation we didn’t have any control of
We have to become aware that this belief is no longer true and learn ways to create new thoughts and beliefs
We have to learn tools that will help us to make different choices and create new actions
When we choose to see our part in any experience- we are then able to step into our power. It is only from a place of empowerment that change can happen. If we want change in our lives, we have to stop blaming and shaming, both ourselves and others.
We can choose instead to look at our choices, examine why we made the choice we did, and allow the healing. We can then learn to make different choices, practice speaking up for ourselves, learn how to connect with our feelings and needs and share them with others, set boundaries, and know our non-negotiables. We can begin to communicate in healthy ways that will foster healthy relationships.
When we step into our power with love and compassion- we create the space for change. This is where the transformation happens. This is the gold.
Here are a few journal questions to ponder to take you to a place of self-love and compassion.
Blaming or shaming ourselves will never get us to where we want to be. There is always a reason we make the choices we make. When we can step into curiosity and look through the lens of love, we can then have compassion for ourselves. Learning love and compassion for ourselves is foundational in our healing journey. (Based on KWT Empowering Self Reflection)
1. Close your eyes and drop your awareness down into your body.
2. Where are you holding any tension, or feeling emotional pain around a particular experience?
3. Extend love and support to this part of you.
4. Breathe deeply into this part of your body- what is the internal dialogue you are noticing? What are the questions that keep running through your mind as you try to sort through this emotional pain? (What’s wrong with me? Why do I always mess up? Why is life always so hard?)
5. From the wise part of you, remember that there is no room for growth and forward movement from these unempowered questions.
6. So instead, journal about what questions can help you shift into an empowered mindset and energy? (How can what is happening right now help me? Grow me? How can I see that this experience is happening for me? How can I make different choices that will feel aligned with my authentic soul self?)
7. Listen for what the Divine and your Higher Soul Self want to reveal to you. All your answers are within. Even though you may not get all the “answers” you now are able to shift into a different perspective that enables growth and change.