RELEASING THE OLD
One of the main concepts in Step #4 of “Releasing the Relationship” is to take a journey of reflection to examine the spoken and unspoken agreements formed during your relationship:
We often don’t consider the importance of being conscious of what we agree to, both in thought, word, and deed.
Not that the relationship has ended as it once did, but we have the opportunity to become aware of those agreements that no longer fit and look to release the energy that was created around them.
This release allows new agreements to be thought of and formed to create a new way.
This process doesn’t need to be done with the other person; it can be meant just for you.
It is, after all, very much about you, your growth, and the new path you wish to create.
Agreements, for the sake of this writing, are broken into 2 categories:
Spoken and Unspoken.
SPOKEN AGREEMENTS
A “spoken” agreement has been consciously acknowledged by both of you, such as your wedding vows, or who pays the bills or laundry.
We could look at certain agreements, such as “til death do us part,” and decide this is a spoken agreement we would like to release and then feel into what new agreement we would like to create in its place.
This new agreement could read something like this: “I will commit to caring for myself fully in all areas of my life—emotional, spiritual, relational, physical, mental, and financial.”
UNSPOKEN AGREEMENTS
An “unspoken” agreement is something that was most likely formed unconsciously and may have had an unwanted impact.
An example of this could be, “I will make myself small so you can shine and feel important,” or “I won’t question you when you say something that doesn’t make sense to me because I don’t want to upset you,” or “we will ignore our issues and just hope they will get better.”
Many times, these unspoken agreements cause pain to one or both parties. Anytime we are operating unconsciously or avoiding and ignoring it operating in a shadow of some sort. This is where confusion, resentment, and unintentional (and sometimes intentional) dishonesty come into play. It is a place of non or unhealthy communication, not a space or energy that allows growth.
The great gift here is that once we re-awaken to our old patterns of behavior, we can reflect on what caused us to begin thinking and creating from this wound. That’s why the other steps are so important. It is much easier to move forward and release our old patterns when we understand what motivated us to show up that way to begin with.
Where in your life are you operating under unspoken agreements?
I had many unspoken agreements with my mother (as so many of us do within our family of origin) that I then brought into my marriage. Thoughts such as “my wants and needs are not as important as others” caused me to behave in ways that actually created situations where this would play out.
As it would happen, this caused much resentment and unhappiness on my part.
However, the other side of this coin is that it also caused resentment and unhappiness with my husband.
Because I had my own issues and not a healthy sense of self, this caused miscommunication as well as a sense of loss of connection.
As much as this hurt me, this hurt him as well.
When we do this awakened, conscious, life-changing work, we get the opportunity to see how our thoughts and actions affect not only us but also those we love. Seeing the impact our choices have made on others is imperative in the healing process because when we understand the hurt we unconsciously caused, we will be more focused on creating change to make sure we don’t do that to ourselves or others again.
Below are a few journal questions that will help in your reflection of agreements that may be time to release.
1. What old agreements (spoken or unspoken) do you have with someone that need to be released?
2. What are the new agreements you are replacing them with?
3. What are some new thoughts you can think on that will help you integrate these new agreements into your mindset?
4. What are some new choices you can make that will make these thoughts a reality?
Ready to discover more about implementing the “Releasing the Relationship” method in your own life?