RELEASING TOXICITY
Step #4 in my “Releasing the Relationship” series is all about naming emotions and energy that may be lingering as a result of not fully processing an emotional experience and finding a certain level of healing. It is then that we can create new ways of relating so we can move forward in healthy ways. From this place, we can generate healing for ourselves and others in our experience.
When we experience a major loss or life-altering change, we will have some emotions around it. We will have energy that needs to be released and transformed, and we will need support in creating safety and stability for ourselves—emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
So…what does that look like?
I.
It begins by going inward and being able to name our hurts, our disappointments, our feelings around what we are experiencing.
When we connect to this part of us, it allows us to feel validated in our hurt or whatever emotion we are experiencing; we are able to hold ourselves accountable for why we feel the way we do.
We have to see ourselves. We have to believe that we matter. That what we think, feel, and want matters.
It’s not that it stops here, that we just believe what we think, feel, or want. But it does begin here. We have to know because if we don’t know where we are starting from, we won’t know the steps we need to take to get where we are going.
II.
The next part of this is self-responsibility.
This can be super hard for some of us to see our part in what we are experiencing. We may not want to admit that we contributed to our circumstances. It can be so much easier to blame or shame the other person.
But the truth is, we don’t find growth in this perspective. This is not a place where we can shift our thinking or create new opportunities to make different choices.
Then, for some of us, we may all be willing to take ALL the blame. See ALL the ways we messed up or everything we could have done differently. And this simply isn’t true either. Extremes of any kind will never lead us to the kind of lasting transformational growth we are after. The key here is balance.
A). WHAT IS YOUR PART (that you CO-CREATED)?
It takes two when we are in a relationship.
Rarely is one person fully to blame and one person blameless. So when we can put aside our own defenses or tendencies to accept blame for anything and everything, we can step into our power and see the situation from a higher perspective. Connect with the higher, wiser version of yourself and see the situation from this perspective.
B). THEN, PUT YOURSELF IN THE OTHER PERSON’S PLACE.
How may they be feeling or thinking?
This can be hard. I absolutely get it. And if you can understand that initially, you don’t have to do it for them. Yes, eventually, good will and compassion are the end goals, but for now, let’s do this for your benefit—for the benefit of moving energy and beliefs that aren’t serving you and creating a new mindset that will bring new energy and create a flow in the direction you desire.
III.
Reflect on how you MAY HAVE contributed to how things went down, and notice the impact your choices and actions may have had.
What may have those actions and choices cost you?
Like, what really was the impact they may have had on the other person or people involved?
And let’s not forget, just as importantly, what is the impact it had on yourself?
What did you have to sacrifice as a result of your choices?
Our mistakes serve a purpose. And while they may not feel good at the time, our mistakes are meant to grow us, to stretch us to uncomfortable lengths so we can become more of our true selves- because we know what NOT to do next time.
Mistakes are a gift if we choose to see the learning in them. They are an opportunity. They remind us that our old ways of attempting to create safety by staying quiet, or putting others needs constantly before our own, or disconnecting from our truth and being dishonest with ourselves and with others can have negative impact on all involved.